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PTSD is Stupid

February 2008 is the month that my life changed forever. My abuser decided to alter our relationship. I won’t say he truly left me because that didn’t happen until fairly recently. While our relationship changed significantly. In essence he left me, but decided to keep me in his rolodex of victims. Every few months he would pop up again just to tell me how worthless and stupid I had been to believe our relationship was real.

While I have mostly adjusted, grieved, and moved on by meeting and marrying my current husband, building a family and a life separate from my abuser this year, thirteen years after the fact, my PTSD is in full swing throwing intrusive thoughts and memories at me left and right. I’ve had the same memory dreams three nights in a row. They aren’t repressed memories, but shadows of what really happened if that makes sense. I am in a dream version of reality. I feel the pain and anger and depression as if it was happening right now in my current life, but all of it has happened so long ago.

This is the first year in… oh gosh, I don’t even know… that it’s bothered me. Maybe 2014? I understand that it’s simply my broken brain doing it’s thing. I know there isn’t some sort of “hidden” meaning underneath these feelings. They just are, except I don’t know why they faded only to return with full force this year.

My pharmacy did change suppliers of my main PTSD med. While the dosage is listed as the same I am wondering if it is just different ENOUGH to throw off my delicate brain chemistry. I’ve only been struggling since I started taking this medication from the new supplier. I will likely call my doctor or pharmacist tomorrow.